Dear Journal,

June 3, 2016. I remember it like it was yesterday. We had just gotten back to Alaska from our month long travels to Virginia, D.C. and California. The night before, we ate, drank and cheered on my beloved Golden State Warriors as they took Game 1 against Cleveland in the NBA Finals. I woke up early that morning because, I had a feeling. Something told me to take a pregnancy test. So with Ethan and Teddy peacefully sleep in the bed, I crept out of bed to go use the bathroom. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting much. I was pretty sure I was just wasting a test, but…whatevs. I was still healing from the miscarriage we we had a few weeks before when I saw the word “PREGNANT” on the screen.

“Was I dreaming? No….this can’t be right.”

I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and took 4 more tests. They all said the same thing:

I. WAS. PREGNANT.

I still couldn’t believe it. Truth be told, I wanted a glass of cabernet just to calm my nerves. But it wasn’t even 9 a.m., so instead, I called the base hospital and immediately set up an appointment to come in for a blood test. I went on base, got my blood drawn, went to Wal-Mart and waited for the results. That had to be THE LONGEST hour of my life.

As soon as I felt my phone vibrate, I picked it up. I’m pretty sure it didn’t even ring. I said hello and on the other end of the phone all I heard was “Congratulations,” before my entire body went numb. I JUST HAD A MISCARRIAGE. HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?!?

So there I was, sitting in the Wal-Mart parking lot while Ethan was inside and I immediately started praying.

“Lord, I know your will is going to be done, but PLEASE…PLEASE let this baby grow big and strong. My heart and soul can’t take another miscarriage. Please God. Amen.”

As soon as I opened my eyes, there it was…the first thing I saw: A symbol of God’s promise. A rainbow…right over the mountains as bright and vibrant as possible. In that moment, a unexplainable peace came over me.

Fast-forward to today. Here we are…June 3, 2017 and I’m staring into the eyes of God’s promise to me. On this day 5 months ago, I gave birth to this chunky slice of heaven. 

And you know what’s funny? J’Aiden’s original due date was February 4th, 2017. Not only did he come a month early, he came on the 3rd. 7 months TO THE DAY that God put that rainbow in the sky.

It is amazing what God can do in a year.  I mean, I seriously can’t believe I’m sitting here celebrating J’Aiden turning 5 months today. I feel like it was just yesterday that he was doing somersaults on bladder! These past four months have taught me a lot about patience and what it means to really focus on the things that matter. There have been times when the kitchen wasn’t clean to my standards and a bowl or two was left in the sink overnight. There were times where I didn’t answer an email in the promised 48 hours and there are STILL times I don’t get a chance to post on Instagram at the time I’m supposed to. Yes, over the past four months, I’ve had to give myself a LOT grace. But to wake up to this face everyday…to be able to wrap my arms around him when he falls asleep listening to my heartbeat…to see his smile, and yes…to even him scream at the top of his lungs when I put him down…it’s the best feeling in the world.

This last month has been a whirlwind! I celebrated my first Mother’s Day, J’Aiden took his first roadtrip to Atlanta and even attended a wedding! His personality has really began to shine and I can already tell he’s going to keep Ethan and I laughing. He raises his eyebrow like Ice Cube when he sees something crazy, smiles big when he sees something he loves and laughs from his gut. He talks to Teddy every morning and every time I put him down, he looks at me like he wants to say “You. JUDAS. -_- How DARE YOU. PICK ME UP!”

Most days it feels like he is permanently attached to my boob…this child never misses a meal. Yup…he’s definitely mines. 🙂  He loves to sit propped up like a big boy, kicks his feet with excitement when I play Earth, Wind & Fire, Prince, Michael Jackson and Luther Vandross and he’s even beginning to have in-depth conversations with me….at 2 o’clock in the A.M.  J’Aiden is filled with SOOOOOOOO much joy! Ethan and I go back and forth on a daily basis about who he looks like the most, but truth be told, he is the best parts of us both and I fall more and more in love with him every single day.

Being his mom…knowing I’m the one God chose to help guide him through this thing we call life, it’s all so overwhelming and humbling.

I’m looking forward to EVERYTHING June is going to bring. I have a feeling this 5th month is going to be the BEST month.

Here’s to you kid..Mommy loves you so much! 🙂